tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
