One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
