I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
This couple is walking their pig around campus
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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