Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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