Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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