just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
