She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
my shit smells like andre
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
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