hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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