yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Randomize
