Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i want to swaddle you in tequila
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
