Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
