I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
