all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
