i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
