i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
