turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
