Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
My liver just had a heart attack.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
