I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
