Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
