well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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