I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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