Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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