Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Girls should come with a carfax report
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
