He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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