People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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