We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
