This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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