i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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