I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
