your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
