Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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