I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
