My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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