I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
why do cheetos always look like penises
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
