Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Sext me about skeletons
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
