the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
