I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm really into asian looking animals
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
