Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
