Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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