the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
