do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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