I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
