I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
