did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You need Xanax blowdarts
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
