I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize