Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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