I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Randomize
