I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
