I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
