Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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