I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
