yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
