I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
