I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
