i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
So much rum. So many feels.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
