you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
how do you play pong handcuffed?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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