How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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