I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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