yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize