Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
